bottled up, I bursted tonight

I believe that I'm not the type to complain outside of my family and I believe I have a personality that doesn't really show what's going on inside my life. There was a time when I didn't really let my feelings out. You could say that I bottled things up, excessively. I still do, about many things. Maybe it's just my personality to bottle things up. Maybe what I think to be significant is really just minor and silly. Maybe not.

I exploded today, just barely really. Have you ever woken up from a nap and have had a strong emotion? Whether it be happiness, relief, stress, etc. I woke up sad and I felt tears making their way. Nothing was wrong, nothing was drastically in ruin in my life. So, why? Why did I have the urge to cry? Why did I turn down my friends when they wanted to hang out? Why didn't my parents attend a Christmas party I was a part of? Why wasn't I happy? Why was I reminiscing on the video we watched in Spanish about kids who were placed in difficult and rash situations? Why do they have to suffer when I have the splendors of a home, family, and education? Why was I sad the same week I recognized how unfair it is for me to be sad when others have more reason to be sad than I do? Why?

I tried calling the only friends I really wanted to be with, the only ones I'd feel comfortable crying in front of. They were busy too.

When my emotion bubble burst, my tears were with no cause. Yes, I miss my brother but how odd for me to cry when he is having the time of his life. Yes, my parents didn't come, but I knew they weren't in the mood and I had somehow neglected them. My thoughts rushed to my religion for comfort. I admit, I didn't feel as if I could talk to my parents. My tears ended. My makeup survived. My hair was still curly as ever. I felt somewhat better, only for a moment.

I decided to talk to my dad. I planned to ask him to go on a drive with me but when I approached him, more tears pushed forward. Why? He comforted me simultaneously while I cried on his shoulder. Thank you. That's all I have to say. Thank you.

I'm better now. I still haven't come to the root of my tears, only branches.

In essence, I just complained to you on this blog. I'm sorry. I understand that I'm not the only one to have nights like these, whether it be moments of distress paired with tears or feelings of anger and confusion, we each have times when we aren't feeling what our general and default emotions are, sometimes we even feel alone. We're not the first ones to experience these type of nights, nor will we be the last. I recognize that only a few select people know about this blog, and within that circle is a fraction of people who actually read my entries. Speaking to that fraction : I know you, and I want you to know that when you feel out of sorts, even lonely, I'm only a call away. Just like I know that I could've called you tonight if I had to. Thank you.